On Saturday, we began Emma’s ‘last hours’ (not true) as a single lady at Alice’s Tea Cup on 64th street, where we sipped tea and ate scones and obviously discussed inappropriate things within several feet of children. We turned the last half of ‘tea time’ into a lingerie brunch (as gifts, not required attire) and we watched Emma whip out lacy and naughty things that were basically just presents for her fiance, Gerry. 

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The past few days have been tough.  And if we’re being honest here, so have the last few months. Sunday evening was spent in a dark living room, denying and delaying the inevitable, answering the why and the how and the what next, with blood-shot, puffy eyes as bitter evidence Monday morning.

 So much of what we were was solid and pure and unconditional. We were in love, we were making sacrifices, we were learning to just be together, to live together, to take on the world together. But with that, as with any relationship, came struggles and scuffles, perhaps beyond what we had anticipated. Often, we were not on the same page, mostly when it came to communicating…something we tried to reconcile over and over again. Hours upon hours were spent trying to simply understand one another, sometimes to no avail. It was a painful cycle (that essentially went unnoticed during our time on separate coasts), but we always managed to solve and resolve and push through, finding so much bliss in the moments when everything felt perfect and whole.

It all comes down to this obvious bit of information, the truest thing I know: People are who they are. You can’t change them and very rarely are they willing to give up what has fundamentally been a part of them for so long. You can accept them for this and love them beyond their faults, of course, but when it becomes conflicting and confusing and constant, it can break down a relationship, rip it to its very core, and create a series of irreparable emotional wounds. I have always vowed to never sit in a comfortable relationship with a smart, sweet, handsome man if the disconcerting parts and subtle conflicts were something I couldn’t see myself overlooking in the future. And so on Sunday, we drew that same conclusion. We communicated, albeit differently. We spit out our demons. We landed on the same page. And then I cried until there was not a single tear left. 

But I promise you, there is so much beauty in this break-up: Neither of us has wronged each other, neither is bitter, both truly wish it had worked out for the better. Over the last year, I have learned so much about who I am and what I need and how to, quite simply, be a wonderful, loving girlfriend that I wouldn’t change it for the world. I would do it all over again tomorrow even.  (But May’s a pretty busy month.) We had the most incredible adventures and watched the horizon swallow the sun more times than I can count, we ate and drank the finest (and occasionally the shittiest) food and wine, we laughed as much as possible and we enjoyed every second that there was pure, absolute peace.

Of course I want to say overly dramatic post-break-up things like he’s ruined songs for me and TV shows and favorite words and parts of New York City, but that isn’t the case at all. We covered a lot of ground in a year and I will constantly be reminded of him, but I will not look back in anger or wish that we never had had those experiences together. New York was already full of my memories, the avenues, the bars, the parks, I can tell you a story about every other city block…perhaps a few more that are painful and heartbreaking now. I showed and shared with him so much of my New York, the New York that existed before he did, and he made it his and we made it ours and those are the trials of living on this tiny island. Everyone is sharing 33 square miles, what’s yours is mine. 

I have slowly shared the news with family and friends this week, and the initial reaction has consistently been, But you seemed so happy and perfect together! And perhaps we were…but it began to fade before we were ever ready to acknowledge it, explaining our ever-present, sincere smiles and loving gazes. By ending it when we did, we have let go before burning out or exploding, before we had to torture ourselves any longer with the what ifs… 

The hardest part about this new chapter will be seeing him move on, seeing him create a home here without me. But I am prepared for what’s to come. I already miss him lying next to me, but I’ve also been getting 8 solid hours of sleep. I miss watching our favorite shows together, but I’ve also been reading and writing more. I miss telling him about every detail of my day, but I have the best family and friends that have picked up the slack.  I’m in a good place, currently (although I foresee a mix of social media transparency and red wine turning that all around at any minute). I’ve been careful about not pressing ‘shuffle’ on particular playlists as to not encounter Adele and her sappy counterparts on a lonely subway platform. But I have given myself a few of those moments, just a few sad, heartbreaking songs to reflect and to feel and to make sure I haven’t turned to ice.

I am very much looking forward to pushing past this heartache and reconnecting with the New York I’ve been madly in love with for 6 years. Being single in NYC is a beautiful thing when you’re not actively looking for love. And even more so, I am lucky that this month is full of distraction and excitement: my 28^th birthday, a trip home to Texas and my best friend’s bachelorette party and wedding — the best kind of distractions, no time to think at all… 

Almost 10 months ago, I wrote this:

To be honest, I’ve ultimately avoided writing about the sweet, serious side of relationships so publicly in fear that at any given moment, the post may have to be deleted. That I’ll have to take back everything I’ve said, everything I’ve felt, and pretend I was never silly enough to write such nonsense about something that did not last. But I’m letting my guard down with this one — there are no regrets when there is something to be learned or a story to be told. My heart is on my sleeve. My words are on the Internet. And the new material is worth every single mile.

And that still holds true. I don’t regret diving into this headfirst and documenting the milestones along the way. Nobody wants to battle heartbreak, but we are lucky to have come out of this relatively intact. My heart still hurts, more than I ever imagined, and it will until it doesn’t anymore. But we agreed that we put every ounce of our being into this relationship and making it work, and we leave each other knowing and taking comfort in that simple notion.

You all keep telling me that everything will be okay…and I really have no choice but to believe you.