- Male coworker: ::Loud screams::
- Lady coworker: No worries, everybody. He just accidentally saw a tampon.
- Me: Quite an ovary-action, if you ask me.
Dear Hot Lumberjack Selling Christmas Trees at 59th & 1st,
I wrote this list of terrible pick-up lines/conversation starters/conversation killers instead of actually talking to you because that’s what my life has become:
- How has life been tree-ing you?
- I’m going to go out on a limb here…
- Am I barking up the wrong tree?
- Were you waiting on pines and needles for me?
- If I’d known we were going to meet, I would’ve spruced up a bit.
- Let’s do branch!
- ♫ On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a hot guy near a Christmas tree. ♫
- I’m really pine-ing over you.
- Sorry I’m such a sap.
- I’m totally the girl fir you. Yule see.
- Want a ride in my car? It’s a two-cedar.
- No more lumberjacking off for you, mister!
- Well plaid, sir.
- Have you checked out that new dating app, Timber?
- Want to be my BF? I THINK YOU WOOD.
Boy, you and me, yeah, we were orna-meant to be.
#ALONE #FIR #EVER
I hope something happens. I’m restless as the devil and have a horror of getting fat or falling in love and growing domestic.
You sweater believe it.
(Two holiday parties down, 236 more to go!)
HE’S A BRO, bro. You need to stop hanging out with so many women and gays like me that are always like OMGZ THAT’S DA BESTEST EVAAA and learn that bros don’t know how to handle their emotions.
Crashed a holiday party last night (it was actually the co. that helps put on our Live From T5 concerts) at a firehouse on the LES (which also happens to be the office for an Emmy-award winning company) and besides the multiple giant plates of bacon being served, there were specialty cocktails, Hanukkah-themed celebrations (the hora?), a caricature station, a pretty good crowd and at least three hours of solid dancing.
I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS. But my body does not.
(Also, I instagrammed FIVE pictures during the party, so I should probably step up my ‘be in the moment’ game, right? Right.)
New York City isn’t just a city, it’s an idea—a projection of our fantasies and desires, like Paris or California or that beautiful person across the room. Because so many have imbued New York City with such meaning, it’s hard not to be a bit over the top in one’s reaction to it.
Tips for going from day/workwear to holiday party chic:
1. Go home and start over.
New Titles in the Selfie-Help Section of Your Local Bookstore
[I submitted this to several publications and it was rejected all over the place, so here we are.]
- The 7 Habits of Highly Over-Stimulated People: Powerful Lessons in Technological Multitasking
- Rich Girl, Poor Profile Picture Choice
- The Power of the Perfect Filter: How to Look More Attractive Than You Really Are and Why to Never, Ever Use Kelvin
- How to Win Followers and Influence Klout Scores
- Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, Even If No One Leaves a Comment
- #TheSecret: Hashtagging Your Dreams Into #Reality
- Who Moved My iPhone? Dealing with Electronic Attachment Disorders
- The Power of Positive Drinking: Instagram-ing the Shit Out of Fancy Cocktails
- How to Stop Worrying About “Likes” and Start Liking Yourself
- The Slipping Point: How Autocorrect Can Ruin Your Life But Also Make You Stronger
- The 5 Late-Night Languages: The Secret to Never Drunk Texting (Again)
- Uploading Happiness: How to Download Your Depressing Feelings and Then Delete Them Forever
- What to Expect When You’re Expecting to Have a Nice Conversation With Someone Holding a Smart Phone
- Snapchat for Dummies: A Reference for Old, White Politicians Still Sexting Junk Pics
- Emoticons: Confront the Punctuation, Conquer With Emoji
- Stephen: Wait. You have TWO book and booze clubs now?!
- Me: I do. Is that nuts?
- Stephen: Well, you do love to read and gossip and drink. So, no.